CHESS DEFINITIONS:  (We hope that the reader will bear with these somewhat dated wry bits of levity.  Borrowed from Eliot Hearst's "Kaleidoscope," 1962)

Analysis:  Irrefutable proof that you could have won a game that you lost.
Bird's Opening:  1.f4  An opening developed by a strong but nearsighted master from England who would sometimes mistake his King's Bishop pawn for his King pawn.
Castling:  A defensive move played by a cowardly opponent.
Center:  According to the hypermoderns, the squares a1, a8, h1 & h8.
Challenger's Tournament:  A tournament to decide which Russian will play which other Russian for the World Championship.
Champion:  Someone who has attained success in chess only because he has had more time to devote to the game than you have.
Checkmate:  A self-inflicting torture endured by novices who don't know the word "resigns."
Chess fever:  A disorder to which sex-starved adolescents are prone.
Chess Principles:  An archaic term, shown to be useless by Mikhail Tal.
Cramped Position:  That which you must obtain as a necessary preliminary to freeing your game.
Duffer:  Anybody who can beat you three times in a row.
End Game:  The last opportunity to miss a win or a draw.
Fianchetto:  An Italian method of developing Bishops, popularized by the Russians.
Fish:  Any player who always falls for your traps, and still wins.
Fool's Mate:  A chessplayer's spouse.
Foresight:  The ability of playing only those players you are certain of beating.
Gambit:  Any unsound sacrifice in the opening.
Good Bishop:  The one you still have left on the board.
Grandmaster Draw:  A friendly conclusion due to mutual fear.
J'adoube:  French for "What am I doing?  If I move that piece, I'm lost.
King's Indian Reversed:  naidni sgink.
Lost Game:  Something your opponent had before he won.
Opponent:  A slimy individual with an ugly face.
Patzer:  An affectionate term applied to anyone you can beat; an insulting epithet when used by certain wiseacres to describe you.
Pawn Snatcher:  A defensive genius.
Perfect Game:  A way of describing all of one's victories.
Pin:  A sharp move.
Reshevsky, Samuel:  A seventy-five year old prodigy.
Sportsmanship, Bad:  Unconcealed hatred.
Sportsmanship, Good:  Concealed hatred.
Swiss System:  Like some other Swiss products, a pairing system full of holes.
Trap:  Something that you saw, but forgot about until you fell for it.
Weekend tournament:  A tournament where one travels 300-500 miles in order to be paired with players from his own chess club.
Won Game:  Any game that you lost.
Woodpusher:  A way of describing one's own chessplay so as to make opponents overconfident.