(We hope that the reader will bear with these somewhat dated wry
bits of levity. Borrowed from Eliot Hearst's "Kaleidoscope," 1962)
Analysis: Irrefutable proof that you could have won a game that you lost.
Bird's Opening: 1.f4 An opening developed by a strong but nearsighted master from England who would sometimes mistake his King's Bishop pawn for his King pawn.
Castling: A defensive move played by a cowardly opponent.
Center: According to the hypermoderns, the squares a1, a8, h1 & h8.
Challenger's Tournament: A tournament to decide which Russian will play which other Russian for the World Championship.
Champion: Someone who has attained success in chess only because he has had more time to devote to the game than you have.
Checkmate: A self-inflicting torture endured by novices who don't know the word "resigns."
Chess fever: A disorder to which sex-starved adolescents are prone.
Chess Principles: An archaic term, shown to be useless by Mikhail Tal.
Cramped Position: That which you must obtain as a necessary preliminary to freeing your game.
Duffer: Anybody who can beat you three times in a row.
End Game: The last opportunity to miss a win or a draw.
Fianchetto: An Italian method of developing Bishops, popularized by the Russians.
Fish: Any player who always falls for your traps, and still wins.
Fool's Mate: A chessplayer's spouse.
Foresight: The ability of playing only those players you are certain of beating.
Gambit: Any unsound sacrifice in the opening.
Good Bishop: The one you still have left on the board.
Grandmaster Draw: A friendly conclusion due to mutual fear.
J'adoube: French for "What am I doing? If I move that piece, I'm lost.
King's Indian Reversed: naidni sgink.
Lost Game: Something your opponent had before he won.
Opponent: A slimy individual with an ugly face.
Patzer: An affectionate term applied to anyone you can beat; an insulting epithet when used by certain wiseacres to describe you.
Pawn Snatcher: A defensive genius.
Perfect Game: A way of describing all of one's victories.
Pin: A sharp move.
Reshevsky, Samuel: A seventy-five year old prodigy.
Sportsmanship, Bad: Unconcealed hatred.
Sportsmanship, Good: Concealed hatred.
Swiss System: Like some other Swiss products, a pairing system full of holes.
Trap: Something that you saw, but forgot about until you fell for it.
Weekend tournament: A tournament where one travels 300-500 miles in order to be paired with players from his own chess club.
Won Game: Any game that you lost.
Woodpusher: A way of describing one's own chessplay so as to make opponents overconfident.