1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they may try to kick your ass.

2. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Marvin, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just be forced to kick your ass.

3. Don't order a "bottle of pop" or a "can of soda" down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, ). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would probably kick his ass.

6. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, before we kick your ass.

7. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

8. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you WILL get your ass kicked.

9. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

10. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we're saying. All other Southerners understand what we're saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

11. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

12. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to make barbecue. This will get your ass SHOT (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you could go home in a pine box....but, I guarantee an ass whipping!